Politics

Spoof on PC

No God and no religion can survive ridicule. No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in a fair field, and live.   Mark Twain............

I admire the two journalists, cartoonist Aseem and Denyer who this week grabbed a substantial space in TV channels and print. Both have become well known. From the position of ‘who are they’, they have gone to ‘who is who’ slot. Following a herd mentality, journalists in India and overseas found four interesting topics to explore. The first topic was Sardar Prime Minister of India, Dr. Manmohan Singh, second was the corruption and profile of ministers, third  was Rahul Gandhi and fourth, PC, the price rise expert.

Today the ideal path to boost TRP rating and readership is to talk/write on these four topics. Aseem Trivedi, the cartoonist has become an international figure. His cartoon is viewed, thanks to the sedition charges. Time magazine cover story described Manmohan as “underachiever”. (These days it is easy to be projected on the Times cover).

Washington Post Simon Denyer trademarked Singh as a “tragic figure” who may go down in history as a failure (as if he has not gone down now). The third inflaming subject who is being kick started is about the prince in waiting- the great Rahul Gandhi. Sonia has the same determination as Kaikayee of Ramayana to make her son the uncrowned king of India. But Rahul is just not a fit for the job. He possesses weird traits. Joining the fray of journalists, the Economist did a descriptive cum exploratory report on Rahul. It says’ the problem is that Mr Gandhi has so far shown no particular aptitude as a politician, nor even sufficient hunger for the job. He is shy, reluctant to speak to journalists, biographers, potential allies or foes, nor even to raise his voice in parliament’. (Is this not the best for an Indian politician)? “Nobody really knows what he is capable of, nor what he wishes to do, should he ever attain power and responsibility. The suspicion is growing that Mr Gandhi himself does not know”. Why waste so many words? The article has branded him as a dumb idiot. The fourth subject of the fourth estate is PC- the blue eyed monster of Singh and Sonia. With the technical expertise of CBI, both saved him from being axed. 

An enraged journalist, Ebenezer Facebookwallah, of The Unreal Times is having a nice dig at PC. Here it goes:

Amitabh Bachchan quizzes Union Finance Minister P Chidambaram on Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC)

In a departure from KBC’s usual format of quizzing the proverbial aam aadmi, the show’s organizers decided to screen a special episode involving a powerful politician. Accordingly, the questions were also customized to test the politician’s knowledge of governance and sensitive political issues.

However, most politicians declined to participate citing low prize money (at most Rs. 5 crores), saying it was not worth their time unless the earnings were raised to a few lakh crores. This put the KBC producers in a quandary since they couldn’t possibly hope to dole out those kinds of sums legally. Fortunately, Union Finance Minister, P Chidambaram, an avid quizzer in his student days, sportingly agreed to participate in the show and get his acumen tested in a transparent manner by the Bollywood legend, Shri Amitabh Bachchan.

The transcripts below of the riveting episode involving the cerebral Finance Minister P Chidambaram:

Sr. Bachchan: So welcome Mr. Chidambaram Sir. What a proud moment to have you here. It is indeed an honour that you are taking this bold step to revive the country’s economy by taking part in the show. Let us not waste any further time and quickly carry on with the questions.

Let us begin with a very easy question Chidambaram Sir.

Question 1:

Which is the favourite Jim Carrey movie that our prime minister watches every day?

A. YES Man

B. No Man

C. Bruce Almighty

D. Liar Liar

Chidambaram: I will go with A, Yes Man.

Sr. Bachchan: Right answer, Chidambaram Sir. Well that was an easy one like I told you. Okay. Let me shoot out the next question.

Question 2:

What is the mathematical approach behind the fuel price hike?

A. Arithmetic Progression

B. Geometric Progression

C. Harmonic Progression

D. What Crap! Madam ji decides the amount.

Chidambaram: Well of course it is option D.

Sr. Bachchan : You are sure? Lock kiya jay?

Chidambaram: Of course, Bachchan Sir. 100% sure.

Sr. Bachchan: Right answer. Chidambaram Sir. You have earned 2000 Rupees now. This is 0.0002% of the Coal Gate scam. Brilliant. Well this should clear up a lot of minds from the mysterious fuel price hike that happens from time to time. Okay. Let us move on to the next question.

Question 3: What is the toughest question ever faced by our prime minister in his tenure?

A: What women want?

B: What Rahul Ji wants?

C: What the hell!! does Anna Hazare want?

D: All of the above.

Chidambaram: It’s a toss up between Option A and Option C.

Sr. Bachchan: You can use a lifeline if you are not sure.

Chidambaram: Screw it, man. I’ll go for Option C.

Sr. Bachchan: Pakka? Lock kiya jaiye?

Chidambaram: Please lock kar di jiye.

Sr. Bachchan: That is the right answer. Excellent, Sir. Moving on.

Question 4:

If our opposition leaders were to act with R. Madhavan, what would be the name of the film?

A: Jodi Breakers

B: Alliance Breakers

C: Modi Breakers

D: Kodi Breakers

Chidambaram: Pass. Next question please.

Sr. Bachchan: Am afraid you should be answering all questions. However, I see the sensitivity of the above question and this being a special episode let me get you an alternate question.

Question 4:

What is the one stop mantra to curtail inflation?

A. Inflation doesn’t exist. It is fictitious.

B. To install meters in Chennai auto ricks.

C. Invalid question. Let us wait for 4G scam.

D. Rajnikanth.

Sr. Bachchan: I see you are thinking hard. Don't worry Chidambaram Sir. Let me tell you, there are still 3 life lines to be utilized.

Chidambaram: Am tempted to choose option 4. But I think I will use “phone a friend” option. Please connect me to the Prime Minister’s office.

Chidambaram: Hello? This is finance minister P.C calling. Can you hear me?

PMO: ….

Chidambaram: Hello. Speak up. Can you hear me?

PMO: …

Sr.Bachchan: Ohhhh Chidambaram Sir. I have never seen such dead silence on the phone in my life. Who do you think it is?

Chidambaram: Everybody knows. I was not even surprised when Samsung approached our office to use our PM’s icon on the screen for putting the phone on silent mode in their next galaxy series.

Can I try one more time?

Sr. Bachchan: Oh Yes! Please!

Chidambaram: Hello? This is finance minister P.C calling. Can you hear me? I am in the middle of KBC show. I need some answers. Who is on the line?

PMO: Zero loss.

Chidambaram: Sorry?

PMO: Zero loss.

Chidambaram: Oh Sibal ji. Is that you? Please stop giving that answer for everything. My question is on inflation.

PMO [Sibal]: Haan. The same answer applies to everything. Remember once a thief robbed my entire ancestral house. The next day I gave the same answer to the media. Zero loss.

 Sr. Bachchan: Well Chidambaram Sir. You are on the verge of making a record. Just one question short of 1 crore. How do you feel at this moment?

Chidambaram: I think I will transfer this amount to Rahul ji as agreed before coming to this show.

Sr. Bachchan: Wow! A big round of applause for Mr. PC please. What a noble cause. Am inspired I must say!

Ok, Chidambaram Sir. Here is your last question.

Question 15:

What would be the ideal strategy for the next budget session scheduled on Feb 28th, 2013 to revive consumer spending and increase the growth%?

A: Do what is best for the Aam admi

Sr. Bachchan: Actually this option doesn’t make sense. Please choose one of the other 3 options.

B: Grab a drink the day before and write what comes to your mind.

C: Do what Didi says: stop being a Maoist.

D: Hilary Clinton will give us detailed instructions on Feb 27th night.

Sr. Bachchan: So what is going on in your mind, Chidambaram Sir? There is still one lifeline left. The Audience Poll.

Chidambaram: Oh no! Please no polls. I am scared of that big time. Never let the people decide. I also notice that some secret Ram Dev Baba activists are part of the audience.

[In a sudden spring of surprise, Aamir Khan enters the studio. Offers his salutations to the finance minister and whispers something to Sr. Bachchan which seems to amuse him.]

Sr. Bachchan: Wah! Brilliant Aamir ji. What an idea!

Abishek Bachchan Pa! That is my line.

Sr.Bachchan: Sorry son. So Chidambaram Sir, Aamir is suggesting an option 5 to the question above. That is to make you the male lead in his next film, Lagaan – 2. The story shall lay out the premise for all the changes in the Indian direct tax code. It will also surprise you that George Bush Sr had already agreed to play the role of Captain Andrew Russell.

[Chidambaram, feeling overwhelmed, hugs Aamir and Sr. Bachchan, waves to the audience and exits the show.]

Sr. Bachchan: Oh, the phone is still on. Hello, who is on the line?

“Zero loss”

Oh Sibal ji. The show is over. Please hang up.

(With courtesy of The Unreal times. This is not plagiarism but a reproduction for Aam aadmi to enjoy!)

A Melody of Love - V.V.S.Manian

A Melody of Love

V.V.S.Manian

Karthik and Pramodh are brothers living with their parents in Woodbridge, New Jersey. Both of them are fond of their parents. Karthick likes nature, birds and bees. He is very considerate to all. Pramodh is very quite, likes music and very good in studies. Both Karthik and Pramodh spend their free time in the garden near their home. One day Karthik happened to venture alone into the wood near by. That was a pleasant evening and the wind was cool and breezy. Karthik’s black hair, soft and shiny blew around his face as the wind howled about him. His hands were covering his eyes to keep the dust out. He sat among the blades of tall grass, curled up, waiting for the gust of wind to pass.
A long time passed before the wind stopped. Karthik removed his cupped hands and looked around. His clothes were coated with a thin layer of light brown dust. He stood up and brushed himself off. CHIRP! CHIRP! The sound of a cricket came from close by. CHIRP! CHIRP! He looked in the grass near his feet. There was the brown cricket. CHIRP! CHIRP! The cricket hopped away. Karthik chased it and caught it in his hands and held it carefully. The cricket’s antenna tickled the palms of his hands as it wriggled about, trying to escape.
Karthik headed for home. He was feeling happy now that he had his pet cricket. His grandmother had given him a cricket cage for his last birthday. It had thin golden bars. He carefully moved the cricket into one hand and closed a fist over it. Using his other hand he took the cage out of the wooden chest that sat on the floor. He lifted the lid and picked the golden cage up. Setting it on the small table next to his bed, Karthik slipped the cricket carefully inside and shut the door.
He named the cricket Jing. Jing was happy to be out of Karthik’s tight hand. He hopped around his new, tiny, golden cage. His long antenna stuck out through the bars. Karthik was glad that Jing couldn’t fit his body through them. He carried the closed cage and put it on top of his drawers, near the window. He knew it would be hard for Jing to get used to his new cage. Perhaps if he was able to look out of the window it would be easier. Jing would be able to see the beautiful green garden.
Karthik left Jing and went outside to find some flies and other small insects that the cricket could eat. He took a jar with a lid. He caught a few flies in his hand and put them in with the others and felt lucky to catch two spiders.
That night, before he went to bed, Karthik fed Jing some of the dead bugs. He put them into the cage along with a tiny bowl of water. Sometimes Karthik wanted a drink in the middle of the night; maybe Jing would too.
Karthik dressed in his pajamas, turned his light off and climbed into bed. He opened the bedroom window a few inches to let some fresh air in. He fluffed up his pillow and pulled the blanket snuggly around him. No sooner had he closed his eyes than Jing began to chirp. CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP! The noise was very loud. He put his hands over his ears. CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP! Jing sang a goodnight song too. Other crickets, which were hiding outside in the back garden, started singing too. Soon there was a chorus of crickets. CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP!
Karthik sat up in bed. How was he going to sleep with all this chirping? He pulled his window shut, hoping that would stop the noise, but it didn’t. CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP! Jing kept singing. Karthik lay down again and put the pillow over his head. All night long Jing sang his beautiful nighttime melody.
When morning came, Karthik was very tired. He hadn’t slept at all. He picked Jing’s golden cage up and looked at the cricket. It didn’t look happy. Its antenna was hanging down, bent and sagging and it hadn’t eaten any of the insects. Karthik felt sad. Maybe he shouldn’t keep Jing in a cage. Maybe he should let him go, so that he could sing outside with the other crickets.
He got dressed and took the cricket outside, walked over to a leafy bush and put the cage down in the grass. He opened the door and Jing hopped into the flowers. Karthik knew that Jing would be happy. He carried the cage into the house and put it back into his wooden trunk. All day long Karthik played with his friends and laughed and was happy. He liked running around. He knew that Jing would be happy hopping around.
That night, before Karthik lay down in his bed, he opened the window. He put his head on the pillow and thought about Jing. He wondered what the cricket was doing. Just then he heard CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP! It was Jing. He stood on the window ledge chirping. He’d come back to say thank you to Karthik for letting him go. He stayed for a while, singing his nighttime lullaby. The other crickets in the back garden joined in. Karthik closed his eyes and drifted peacefully to sleep. (Adapted from a Chinese story)